The Curse of the Strong Woman

I had a great visit and an awesome chat with my friend D the other day. I hadn’t seen her in a couple of years and it felt so good that we could pick up where we left off and engage in a conversation of worth.

I am one of those women that some perceive as tough and strong. I am also one of those women who will be there for you when you need me. Provide a shoulder to cry on, a hug when you need it, a little pick me up when you’re down. I’m a loyal friend to a fault. I’m generous to those I love and put myself out there in any way that you may need me if you grace my circle.

So, it comes much to my surprise that when I need someone the most, there is no one. In my desperate struggles to adjust to the major changes in my life, I’ve heard from no one. Yes, initially everyone was clamoring to see the new precious bundle of love that we brought into this world, but what about now?

I do understand that everyone is busy, have their own issues they need to deal with, etc. – but if you can’t take ONE day every couple of weeks or even ONE day a month to spend some time with a friend who may or may not need you – what does that say about you? The value of your friend? The value of the relationship? What does that say to ME?

Here I am, five months into my new life and I can’t help but to feel abandoned. I feel dumped by my so-called friends and family. As I explain this to D, she said it was “The Curse of the Strong Woman. When you’re perceived as strong, no one thinks you need help. If you did you’d ask right?” Nothing is further from the truth. Although I do put up that ‘tough’ exterior, inside I’m sensitive and emotional. My feelings are easily hurt. It’s one of the hardest things for everyone to show how vulnerable they really are but even more so for someone who is ‘strong’. The same goes for asking for help. I feel like I’m begging. But I also feel that if I can SEE you hurting and you need me, why can’t you do the same for me? Why can’t you SEE me like I SEE you?

Our conversation also had me thinking of that saying ~ “People come into your life for a season, reason or a lifetime”. Looking back on my experiences through the years, this does seem to be a true statement. But how do you identify and pick those ‘lifetime’ friends? I guess only time will tell and I’m hesitant to start pulling what I think are weeds in my friendship garden at this point.

I agree with D that as we get older, we start to cherish those special lifetime friendships more and want to surround ourselves with people who love us as just as much as we love them. I am so thankful that D & I were finally able to spend some time together. I really missed her and it felt great that she allowed me to bare my soul to her and to be that ear for me, the tissue box provider that I needed at that moment.

If you have friends that you perceive as ‘strong’ don’t think that there’s nothing you can do for them. There is. Take the time to SEE them. TALK to them – not just about the day-to-day things. Really talk. Be there as they are for you, even if they don’t ask. Let them know that you care, that you have the time. I’m sure they’ll appreciate it and they’ll realize how much they mean to you as you mean to them.

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Back to Work

~Proud Parents with Nicholas, 2 Days Old~


*heavy sigh* I'm sitting here in amazement. How time really flies by. A little over a year ago I found out I was pregnant. Although a very much wanted/planned pregnancy, a shock that it actually happened. That we were finally going to become parents. After a wonderful pregnancy, unbearable back labor and an emergency c-section, our little boy arrived two weeks early. So, here in amazement, I cannot believe it's been a little over FIVE months from when he arrived and from the time I started my maternity leave. FIVE freakin' months I've been off of work and the day has now arrived that I must return to work.

The great news is that I have been approved for and will be working three-fifths time which is 24 hours or 3 days a week. This I will be doing until the end of October which will mark a year since the arrival of our little one.

I do not envy any mother who has to return to work at six or eight weeks. At six or eight weeks I was BARELY able to function and just BARELY getting a handle on this thing called motherhood. We were just finally getting the hang of breastfeeding and I was just starting to feel ok about taking him out in public.

So, even at five months - I find it hard emotionally to have to change my focus and return to work. Change my focus to something so trivial and less important than my son. If I were less selfish, I probably wouldn't return to work at all, but let's face it... I'm as independent as they come and the thought of not having my own time, my own space and my own money really makes my skin crawl.

We have been so lucky though to find someone who will be here to care for our son, someone who I feel will care and nurture him as I would. So although it's heart-breaking to have to return to work, off I go. I'm finally at peace with it and I hope it will all be worth it in the end.

~Nicholas, 5 months old (eating solids!)~

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Parenting Know-It-All

You know, I'm irked. Well, that's me being polite. I was actually quite OFFENDED at a narrow-minded comment that someone made about a particular parenting technique. Now, before I was a parent, I did (and still do) have my views about what I feel is appropriate for me as a parent and my child. I have learned though that there are many different ways to handle a particular situation and for each parent, they have to find what works for them and their child. Every child is different - there is no one way to appropriately raise/discipline/teach your child. I'm totally open to other points of views but what I'm not open to is narrow-minded bashing comments about my child, their behavior or the way in which I parent.

This particular case was in reference to using the CIO (cry it out) method in order to put your child to sleep. Now, I know this has worked for some of my friends (which I am just surprised/amazed/in awe) but I know this would never work for me. Only because I cannot STAND the crying. It grates my nerves and makes me want to pull my hair out. So I won't even try it. But kudos to those of you who can do it and your child can put themself to sleep without you holding them, boobing them, rocking them for endless hours or you having to get up every couple of hours.

So here's the comment that got me a little riled up:

"It really is normal for babies to wake that often...ones that sleep through the night at his age (or, gasp, even younger) have been 'trained' to realize that noone is going to tend to their needs and they give up and sleep though the hunger/pain/lonely/etc...no offense...."

ARE YOU SHITTING ME?! SERIOUS?! WTF?! This is in reference to a 4 month old. No offense? Are you KIDDING ME? Of COURSE I take offense! It's these kind of comments from another MOM that just PISSES me off! This is one mom who apparently knows it all about how babies are SUPPOSED to behave, never mind that every child is different and no two babies are alike. Fortunately for us, Boy has slept through the night for a couple of months now (he'll be 5 months on Saturday) without any coercion on our part.

There is no WAY that my child has been neglected just because he sleeps through the night. And JUST BECAUSE parents want an option to get their child to sleep and to sleep longer than two hour increments, doesn't mean they are training their kid to accept being ignored/neglected.

It was later clarified that her comment about the babies who sleep through the night were meant in reference to those babies who do cry it out, but I still disagree and find the comment even more offensive in that context. It's now a judgement statement to those parents who do choose to use the CIO method.

What's next? A comment/lecture on how I've already taught my child that he's not loved because he's been sleeping in his own crib since he was 8 weeks old? That my child will have low self-esteem because I don't hold/wear him 24/7? That my child will have dependency issues when he's older because I choose to let him play on his own in his exersaucer/bouncer/swing?

Once it was known I was pregnant, I found that I came across many many more of these types of people who are 'know-it-alls', push their opinion/point-of-view onto you and make judgements instead of those kind, open, supportive helpful people. You know - those people that listen to your views/issues, offer support, helpful suggestions and encourage you no matter what way you choose to go. I guess I'm lucky in that I feel that the Mommas on my board and in my Mommy group are all more of the helpful, supportive type and I don't have to deal with too many know-it-alls...

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Pears!

So tonight, I get a wild hair up my a$$ and decide to take my first stab at making baby food. Pears. Thought I would only use a little, but then realized I needed to steam more than what I did. Boy couldn't wait so I boobed him and then handed him over to Pappa so I could finish up. It really is super easy to make your own baby food. The only thing is that it can be a pain to make some every day so it's probably better to make a bunch and then freeze it. I however, don't have the trays to freeze yet, so I only made a little bit. So I think it came out ok - not as runny as I think it should've been. So I decide to try and feed it to Boy. Let me tell you - he was READY! Although he did make a funny face, he kept trying to grab my hand for more. :) So I guess he liked it! I probably should've put him in his high chair to feed him instead of leaving him in his Johnny Jump Up but oh well - here are some pics:




Here's a video of Daddy also feeding him pears - very exciting!

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Mommies & Playdates

Can I say that I ♥ the Moms from my Mommy group?! They have been my absolute lifesaver since having my precious boy and I hope that as some of us return to work that we will be able to get together on the weekends and keep in touch as our wee ones grow! Last Sunday, Cathy & Anna hosted 'tea time' and invited us over. There were a handful of Moms and babes there and at one point the volume was like a playground! Ah, the sweet sounds of kiddies! Since Nicholas enjoys his exersaucer so much here, he got to try out Anna's! And here is the mini-hostess herself!

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